Anything Writing, Critic

ok guys i wanted to make a topic for our books or any kind of writing. you can post random writing of yours and ask to be criticed. or if you writing a book (eh hem, cough cough) then you can post somthing and maybe ask for ideas blah blah blah. its not just for books though just random writing. wich i will have a lot of.

so for this its diving above the new and improved prologue. i know it still needs work but jus give me your opinion and maybe post some of your own stuff. ok hope you like it.

“Next!” the cold man in the dark uniform behind the podium barked. The next person stepped up. Her tiny face hidden by her flowing bronze hair she handed him her ticket. She ran her fingers through her plaid blue dress and her mother crossed her arms behind her. “Malic, Amber.” He murmured while reading her ticket. “And you were from Laskar?” he leaned down, his dead eyes bored into the little girl. “Yes sir.” She squeaked. He held the ticket out to her. She hesitated to grab the ticket, it started to scream to her If you take me you will die! She grabbed it and scurried to the side waiting for her mom. “Mommy?” she asked once her mom started to walk over. “Why do we have to go there?” she pointed toward the line of people filling into the large hole in the ground. “Well you see.” The women took her hand and led her toward the line. “There are to many people above ground and that are poor. So they are going to send us down here and it will be great! Ok now we’ll have a big house and you’ll make friends. Don’t worry it will be fun!” The girl narrowed her eyes at the hole and snarled at it. “It doesn’t look Fun.” She mumbled. “Are we ever going to come back above ground?” she looked back at the line of people, a baby crying, old men arguing, kids rushing around. “I don’t know sweetie. We’re just going to have to see.” She snorted and thought to herself we shouldn’t have to see. We shouldn’t be bullied by the stupid politicians. It isn’t fair! “Will we see the sun?” she asked. “I’m not sure about that but-“
“Will there be plants?”
“Well no but that doesn’t mean-“
“Will there be anything like nature at all?”
Her mother sighed. “probably not.”
“Then why are we going!” the girl stomped her foot and wailed “I don’t wanna go!” Her mother grabbed her wrist and leaned down and whispered in her ear “It’s not my choice Amber if you would stop acting like a baby you might find out that we have to go down there” A tear dropped on the pavement and the girl looked away. “Next!” a shrill voice called and the girl looked up realizing they were in front of the large hole. “Ok ready honey?” her mom looked down and fake smiled. The girl nodded slowly and took a step toward the awaiting darkness.

You kidding this is awesome u gotta stop doubting yourself.

Hehe "snarled." "Hissed" I gonna post something to

hehehe ... this girl is actually very important. muahahaha and yay! i probably gonna be posting lots of random things on here that you guys will be like: what is that about? and ill be like: i have know idea i just randomly wrote it.

i realllllyyyy wanna hear some of your guyses stuff

This is a scene from my book 1 -Mute

MO

Sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting some crazy dream. Because honestly what is there to dream about these days. I open my eyes ... where the heck am I? My waist is wrapped in some material where the drakins tail had gotten me and I can feel one wrapped around my forehead to. I'm on a couch in a small room with a pile of stuff.

Just then I hear voices. I slide over the side and get up. The pain isn't to bad. Not much more than having your stomach boiled in fire. My sweatshirt is on the floor so I slip it back over. Ok that's it whoever took my sweatshirt off me is gonna pay. And if your one of those sick minded no I also had a shirt on under the sweatshirt.

I creep to the door. Three of four different guys are talking. Then all a sudden a little kid passes the door and sees me. He gives me a strangle look.

'No. Shhhh. Go away ' I whisper. Hes gonna get me caught.
He goes away but he'll be back .

'Christo what's the matter with you. You know the rules." One guy says
"What do you want me to do we already helped her. " another answered
"That's your resposibiloty." The first guy says but then I can hear his footsteps walking away.
"Ugh. Of course he says --- what Socks I don't have time for this."

Crap. There coming this way. I glance around the room and dart for the window.

"No no wait!" The guy says behind me. I can feel him grab my sweatshirt and pull me away.
"Don't touch me!" I elbow him in the gut as hard as I can and he doubles over.
I make for the window again and punch through the screen. I'm about to jump when I realize its like four stories high. Ill never make it. Not in this condition. I turn around desperately trying to get to the door but the guy gets in my way and blocks the doorway.
"You cant leave. Not yet."
"I don't know who the heck you think you are but your going to let me out right now! " I get ready to kick him but the little boy comes up behind him with a tray of cookie dough.

"Socks get out of the way!" The guy yells st him. I use my chance and punch the guy in the stomach but immediately I crumple in pain. Damnit. I must have twisted my waist when I was looking for power in my punch. Stupid thing to do..

"I'm really sorry girl but you really shouldn't even be walking with those gashes. I'm sorry if you were a little started waking up in this... place but we were trying to help you. I'm christo. I look up at him and finally get a good look.

His wavy black hair matches his copper skin. Hes tall. Taller than me. Older. Maybe 17, 18? I stand up to face him ignoring my waist's protests. I was getting really angry now. Why couldn't he just let me leave? I can take care of myself.

"Listen dude. Thanks for the help and all but I really have to go. Just move and we wont have any trouble ". I take off my head bandage and throw it on the ground.
"Your hair... it just change from blond to ---"
"See your so disoriented your seeing things." I pull my hood up so I wont have to olcontrol my temper. It would be to obvious if it turned black.
"Noooo..... I pretty sure I know .... never mind. Look. Its raining right now can you at least wait till it stops,?"
The little boy looks tom christo to me still holding his tray.
"No." I push Christophe out of the way -well he let me push him aside- and go down he hall and towards steps I assume go to the
doors.
"Wait. I never got your name!" He calls after me.
"Mo." I say and go down the steps.
"Mo? " he questions probably thinking he heard me wrong.

Ok so I probably gonna change some of it but that's what I got from a scene ive been playing over and over in my head.
Tell me what u think.
be honest.
I wont care even if u say it sucked.

its reallky really. ... amaZING!!! i love how mo's hair changed and socks sounds so cute!!! but you should describe how he looks i really wanna no.

random little diving above thingy


Couldn’t get this image out of my head uggghhh!!!





“Um ok now guys calm down please. Heh … heh. Please?” Mingo smiled nervously and placed his hand on Tirie’s shoulder. “It’s fine. She didn’t mean it.” Mingo’s green eyes flickered to Mell. Tirie growled and shrugged Mingo off. Mell balled up her fist. “You wanna go gay boy?” she said tauntingly and took a step closer to Tirie. Nala giggled “This should be hilarious.” Tirie snorted. “I’m not scared of you.”
“Oh yea? Well you should be.”
“Please you’re not even scary.”
“And you are?”
“Yea cause I’m a boy.”
“Really? I wouldn’t have known!”
“Oh you are so dead!”
“Bring it on!”

And with that they charged. Mell dodged Tirie’s punch and kicked him in the chest. Tirie grabbed her foot and flipped her off. Mell landed simply on her feet. There fight was kind of boring. It was just one evenly matched attack after another. Until …. Sweaty out of breath Mell stepped on a fallen branch. You wouldn’t exactly think that was a big deal but if you saw poor Mingo’s face you would have been mad too. The boy’s green eyes grew wide and he let out a tiny whimper and cringed. He just stood there mortified looking at the broken branch to Mell.

And since Mell was distracted …

“AAHHHHHH!!!!” Tirie’s battle cry I guess. “YOU! MADE! HIM! CRY!” and now once I look closely Mingo was crying. Tirie picked up Mell and threw her into her tree, smacking her head giving off a satisfying CRACK. But of course Mell came charging back.
But then … “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” Both Tirie and Mell’s shirt collars were yanked backwards and an extremely pissed off Calista stood in between them. Today Calista was sporting wavy black hair with red highlights (She changes her hair color and eye color every day. We have no idea why.) Black high heeled boots, leather jacket, and black jeans. Oh and don’t forget the amber eyes.

She threw them both to the ground. “Ooh girl power.” I mused and Calista narrowed her eyes and hissed “Shut up Lotus. Now what is going on here?” both Mell and Tirie launched into their stories at the same time. “Mell broke a branch.” Blidge said and they both stopped talking. Blidge soothed her hand up and down Mingo’s back as he cried pitifully into his hands. Calista groaned “Mell! You know not to destroy nature when Mingo around!” Mell snorted “oh I stepped on a branch. Sue me!” Calista shook her head and looked over at Maylee, Nala, Sipsu, Sasha, and myself. “Did anyone try to stop them?” she asked. “Nope.” We all answered at the same time. “Well then.”

Ok so this is after my most recent post. Its not exactly what I was aiming for but it'll do.

MO

The doors swing open and I step into the drizzle. I don't no really where I'm going. I haven't been going anywhere for the past however many months or years. I don't keep track. I'm pretty sure I'm 14 . Something like that. I try to stay away from people. Why? Well you saw back at with Chisto. I cant have people questioning me because my hair changes according to my mood. And no. It doesn't turn red if I'm in love. Mood - angry or jot angry. Cool and warm. Get it? Good
I kick around the mud as I walk as if trying to clear a path. Its quiet as usual. No one is running around with umbrellas and shopping bags. Just the occasional gangs or hobos under an overhead roof avoiding the rain.

I reach down into my boots expecting to feel the rough hilt of the daggers but there's nothing. I look down. Both of them are gone! They're probably back in the clearing.

First thing to do : get weapon back.
Second thing to do : find shelter.
third thing to do : um... something

When I get there the ground is covered completely with at least half an inch of water. The blades glimmer in the center of the clearing. I crouch down and pick them up. Whipomg them dry with my sweatshirt and slipping them into the side of each boot.

Next up, shelter. Out here wont be any good. The ground is soaked. I turn around to head into the streets but I stop.

At the edge of the cleans int a little boy stands. He has black hair sticks to his face, wet so all I can see is his mouth. Kind of creepy .... he wears an over sized t shirt and jeansa and sneakers soaked. Poor kid. Hes probably freezing like that. Then I realize its Socks the boy from earlier.

"Were you following me? " he runs up to me and smiles. Then he takes my hand and moves it so my palm is up. He reaches in his pocket and places a warm cookie into it. "Why did you --" I begin but then he gives me a sad look as he watches the cookie getting wet. I smile at him and plop it into my mouth. Wow haven't had good food like this in a while. "Its ok kid. Thanks." I kneel down so that I'm at his eye level. "You need to go home ok? "

Socks reaches out and picks up a strand of loose hair and gives it a hard look then lets go and just looks at me.
"Can you talk? " I realize he hasn't said a thing. Not a sound. He just looks at me.
"Whatever. That's fine with me. I don't like talking to people much either. Come on we need to get you under some shelter." I stand up and start towards the city. But this time my footsteps are short and slow. It really wasn't smart walking all the way out here. I'm afraid the gashes will start bleeding again.

Socks slips his hand onto mine and smiles warmly. I really father not hold his hand but hes only like 8 years old. I sigh. "Come on lil' dude. I start leading us into the city.

socks sounds so cute!

Ikr! And guess what nevermore came out yesterday and. Just got it on my kindle! Its awesome! I almost done it

grrr i needa get all the books and read them all over again before i read that cause i totally forget what happens

Ya ur be totally confused its like hes putting four books in one

yuup ..

hey nikki Im still working on the cats btw and um so u wanted me 2 post my book so i did..............ya hope u like it


The Woods
Prologue

The pride was running through the trees, jumping over rocks and snares. Staying hidden in the woods they were chasing the wolves, who were killing anything or anyone in their way.
Their leader, Dakota, was on his last life. The members of the pride were searching desperately for his daughter but had no luck.
There were several different species at the time. The katzes, the blutsaugers, and the draufgangers. The katzes were some-what like cats. They had claws, night vision and superb hearing. The blutsaugers were like vampires. They were much more civilized then any of the other species. The have skin white as paper, eyes as piercing as ice that creeps into your very soul and contain a natural beauty and grace that no other being could completely equal, even though the katzes and draufgangers were fair of skin. The draufgangers were more wild then blutsaugers and katzes. If a male or alpha female then they turn into a wolf, once hitting puberty, but if a female then they grew claws and fangs. Born with these features the draufgangers quickly learn to control these features. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Once the draufgangers were chased off of the katzes territory they retreated home.
"Sir with all due respect," Alek said "I think you should lay kind of low with the patrol stuff due to the fact that if you continue to hunt for your daughter then the entire pride shall starve. "
"Well excuse me for wanting to find my own kin!"
"But Dakota-"
"Enough I shall never give up hope that my daughter is alive!"
Alek looked down feeling great pity for his leader yet also feeling great worry for his pride. Leaving Dakota scowling to himself low curses. One back out in the clearing he saw Rubin and Bell working on some sort of conjunction that he did not ask to know of.
"Alek!" He turned around to see Valerie calling to him. Valerie had had a crush on Alek ever since he found her in the woods. Knowing his duty as son of the deputy he turned around and put on his nice guy attitude. "I've been looking for you everywhere!" exclaimed Valerie. "Sorry 'bout that Val." Alek said trying to sound as nice as possible. "Oh ya that's uh- cool, so have you guys have an idea of where this lost daughter is?" "Uh-no, sorry." Alek replied eyeing where he would make his escape. "Oh ya? Well I think I have an idea on who precisely it is." "Oh is that so?" Alek said in a taunting voice "Uh-h, her name's Ashlyn; she's tall, long dirty blonde somewhat light brown if you look at it from a certain angle ah yes and she has Dakota's strong features." "And you know th-" Valerie cut him off. "I wasn't done, ya know! Anyways she was being stalked by these Indians who's scent I recognized," she boasted a little too loudly .
After being explained the rest of the details Alek ran swiftly off into the woods.
Three miles away from camp he heard a high-pitched scream around a half-a-mile away. "I hope I'm not too late for my tea party." He mumbled under his breath. Stalking quickly into the direction of the scream Alek saw two tall men leaning over a girl with dirty blonde hair which was knotted and tied back by a piece of leather. The two men whispered into the girl's ear "Endwita goutra ut gunda tarila ed wetira." Alek soon realized what it meant. "We shall rule all, goodbye chosen one." "NO!" Alek yelled as he leapt in front of the two men separating them from the girl. "Aren't you suppose to help humans? Or have the little puppies not been happy with the bones they've been throwing you?" Alek said tauntingly "I wouldn’t get involved if I were you." The taller one spat. "Shut-it Vatra!" the smaller one warned "Ratnik, I'm deputy shush! Now, boy leave before you do anything you'll regret." "Don't lay a hand on her!" Alek said calmly. "We have an assignment from Glava and her new mate, Voda. As alpha says the pack does." Vatra said annoyed "I can tell but if the villagers find a dead girl out in their woods don't you think it would be obvious who did it?" Alek said taking a step closer towards them "Yes, a katzen, for they do not know of draufgangers, they only know of katzen who are idiotic enough to trust the humans, do they know of blutsaugers too?" Ratnik teased "That is not my concern, yet she is." Alek said nodding towards the body. "Yes, yes it is. We are simple villagers toward the humans, and you and your disgusting pride are a menus, not only towards us, but to most humans too. Yet some still worship you. Very unfortunate." "Ratnik I warn you now, stay off of our lands and you will not be having a problem. Also how do you know she is the one?" "She has shown all signs of it, shouldn’t you be the first to find your leader anyways?" Vatra said stepping away waving his hand across his face. "You reek by the way." "Thanks, and katzen don’t break the treaty like you all do. We agreed centuries ago that you had from the village to the river and we have the split oak to the sea." "We break the treaty? Five of you were on our land just yesterday." Ratnik said in disgust "If it is truly your chosen one then take her to you camp and burry her there, if you don’t then we shall take care of her ourselves." Alek growled then picked her up and ran into the woods

its really good. it kinda reminds me of twilight

a little bit of a weird seen i still have to edit it cuz it not that good and it has some mistakes but enjoy anyway

BLIDGE


My bare feet smacked the cold earth as I ran for my life. I heard a demonic laugh from behind me and I pumped my arms even harder. I was alone now. I’m pretty sure our hold group was captured. And Gentile … I think they killed her too. “Come here petty girl!” Larna shouted. She laughed again and I heard her whisper something to a minion.
I felt heat wash over me and flames spread in front of me causing me to slip and fall on my butt. Larna and her clones stepped into their homemade circle of fire. I don’t know if you know this but I am petrified of fire. “Aw poor princess.” She bent down and looked me in the eye.

I think.

I flipped my hand out and smacked her. “Well!” she gasped. “I can still see where you are you pathetic excuse for a human being!” I spat at her. “Hmm yes well we did catch you so … I win you lose.” She threw her head back and laughed. She was probably right. She had better forces then us. Better plans. “Is you little dog going to come and save you now hmmm?” she laughed again and patted me on the head. She turned around and pointed toward the truck.

“Get the truck ready.” She turned toward me and kicked me in the face.
My head smacked against the ground and she snorted “Not so brave without the little doggy huh? Well lucky for you, you won’t see her killed. Maybe I’ll use her fur for a coat.” She paced in front of me.

I tried to back away from the fire but Larna pushed me towards it. Why couldn’t I summon the powers Mingo and I had before! I kept trying and trying but it never worked! I couldn’t even spurt Larna with a tiny bit of water I was so weak right now. “Blidge you’re a fool. You were a princess and you threw it away for what? Friends? That’s stupid and weak. I won’t feel bad for killing you.” Larna hissed this like it was the worst crime in the world. “At least I have friends! Unlike you because no one likes you!” I retorted back.

Larna sighed “That’s too bad, you’re so defensive.” She grabbed my neck and heaved me off the ground. I know it sounds weird but she really did.
I’m tiny.
She started walking toward the truck when I started praying for the tiniest sliver of hope. My prayers were thankfully answered.
I heard and felt pounding footsteps on the ground. I could hear heavy breathing and growling. That was either some sort of monster or a big fury dog coming to save me. It was coming closer and closer then the footsteps stopped when it sprang into the air into our fire circled and roared. Larna screamed and dropped me.
Who exactly where you going to kill?
I yipped and ran at Gentile flopping into her warm fur. She chuckled and nuzzled me with her massive snout. “You’re alive!” I sang and drowned into her beautiful, white coat. Well of course She growled in amusement and narrowed her blue eyes at Larna. I know I’m blind and I just said I saw Gentile narrow her eyes. But I can’t explain how I knew she did because were connected in some kind of way that we feel exactly what the other is doing. Get back ill handle this I stepped back and let the giant wolf do her thing. First lunging at the car, which she was bigger then, and clamping it in her jaws and throwing it somewhere into the forest. The minions scattered but Larna got up and hissed “Fine dog you wanna play we’ll play!” Larna pounced at Gentile but really they didn’t really do anything. Gentile just smacked her with one massive paw slamming her into a tree causing her to become unconscious. Gentile flicked her tail and nodded her head Hope on She said and lowed herself so I could easily climb on. I grabbed her scruff, because if I didn’t I would fly off her back, and she took a deep breath and pointed north saying Their this way! And then we were off.

to emily's - its awesome! except sometimes i cant tell who said what and i get confused.

to nicoles - funny how i was gonna ask how she new gentile narrowed her eyes. ' u answered it perfectly.

Thanks and I was going to say that about Emily's too

btw i may not be posting but i'm checking to see if other ppl ,post

Ok well I hope em sees this : I think we should go to the mall tomorrow of we ever gonna go so maybe later today cuz i eating dinner now Emily you could go on oovoo to discuss or call me or tomorrow morning so um yea

i cant today tomorrow or thursday

uh ok

btw em since u like never on and barely rp in yes skyler is sort of away since like she's never there

hii i prob haveta go in like 2 mins but hii!

A small boy sit in a large tree on the forbidden Seattle lands. His green eyes survey the once beautiful scenery which is now lost by war and hate. He’s sighs and leans back when he hears someone coming. He tenses up and prepares to jump down and attack.
“hey Sam! Mind if I hand with you?”
Sam smiles and turns toward the younger boy in his group “Nope come on up” he replies. The boy climbs the tree surprisingly gracefully. “So what’s going on?” he asks when he climbs up to Sam’s height. “You tell me.” Sam mumbles softly looking down at the ground. The younger boy starts talking like he doesn’t notice Sam’s hesitation “Well, I’ve been training but I got stuck with a surfboard for a weapon!” Sam’s head immediately shoots up. “How is a surfboard a weapon? I mean really? Did you pick that?”
The younger boy dropped his head sadly “It is a weapon! Lee said I’m not strong enough for a new one!” Sam laughed “How do you kill someone with a surfboard?” he hold up a huge sledge hammer “I’m only a year older then you and I have an actual weapon.” He says proudly. “Well I guess if you hit someone multiple times they become unconscious or you stab them with the point. I really don’t know. maybe ill get a new one next year!”
“Really stab them with the point? That won’t even hurt them! It’s not very stealthy either. Must be hard to lug that thing around.”
“Yea I know it’s suckish but I pawn in the water.”
“yes because that’s a useful skill when you’re fighting evil.”
“Whatever!” The younger boy slipped and fell out of the tree making the older one laugh, holding his stomach.
“Smooth dude very smooth.” He said in between giggles and then he jumped out of the tree. He looked around “hey were is everyone?” The other boy groaned. “ugh I have a headache. They’re probably making dinner. Miranda I need an ice pack!” The younger boy ran back to the large house his hand flailing everywere as he shouted. Sam strolled back sadly. He laughed when he saw the boy, Conrad, being lectured by Miranda, who is brother and sister. Sam fake laughed quietly. “yea ..” he said looking at the ground. Sam secretly felt jealous because he was the orphan. He still lived with them and they were still a family but the only person he actually felt at home with was always busy. “Conrad! What happened? Let me guess you fell out of a tree again?” she looked over at Sam and whispered “He was never a good climber.” Conrad grabbed the ice “Gimme that!” and he places it on his head “Ahhh much better.” Sam laughed “Yea I can tell.” Miranda jumped “Oh! Lee wants you both back for dinner at 6:00. Don’t be late!” she turned around and skipped inside.
Sam took a step back “Dinner?” He usually went to his best friend’s ,Kendal, room for dinner because she didn’t like sitting with the others. He wasn’t use to the attention. Conrad bumped him “of course your part of the resistance now. So .. dinner” Sam looked at him alarmed “I have been a part of the resistance. I just usually eat with Kendal. Is she invited?” Conrad shrugged “duh we all eat together. I bet she is helping Lee right now” Sam nodded “true”
Conrad yawned “So tired going to take a nap see you later.” He went inside and up to his room. Sam stepped inside the place and sees a young women charge toward Conrad. “Wake up!” she says and smacks him. Her fierce amber eyes glared into Conrad and she turned away “We have to eat.” She pulled her long black hair back into a pony tail so it actually reviled her whole face. She looked about 18. The kids hear were usually that or younger. Sam was 14, Conrad was 13, Miranda was 12. A smaller girl with black big tail came bounding down the stairs “Hello guys!” she chimed with a large smile. Sam waved “hey zero.” He waved. Zero was the youngest at 10. Conrad rubbed his face “What was that for?” Kendal hissed “I just said. Lee. Said. Dinner.” Kendal was obviously the toughest. Zero grinned “Did you know the atish spider’s bite can cause temporary paralyzation. They have yellow spots!” Sam looked nervous “um that’s nice?”

Not the end of the first chapter I just don’t feel like typing any more

Hey hey hey hey okay so i ned your oppinions on this Im going to ask mr bellinger about it monday but our school doesnt have an editorial section and i think it should. so for example.......
1) Why has he spent $60,00.00 on a new gym floor yet we are still using LAST YEARS MARKERS IN ART?? Write to me! Whats your oppinion?
~Anonymous

teehee