I did not expect or want to ever see Neer Cotter again.
It has been a couple days since our awkward laundry room meeting and I have avoided him at all costs, even more then how I avoid everyone else.
Neer was cute, I can admit that, and he was shy and had a sincere sweetness about him but I don’t need friends, or whatever Neer might want to be with me.
I know how most guy’s minds work by now, it was obvious how he stared at me, I can’t exactly blame him since I didn’t exactly hide my ‘innocent’ glances at his chest and waist but I doubt he noticed, plus usually if I see someone in undergarments it is instinct to stare.
Still, I don’t want any friends.
So when I was waitressing at the restaurant on a Wednesday at lunchtime, I was a little startled to see a certain person sitting at a booth with a laptop, typing away not even looking up.
Why did you have to come here?
He looked up and his eyes met mine, a spark of recognition and happiness ran through them and he lifted his hand tentatively.
He was waiting for me.
It was obvious
He waved a large hand at me, nervously beckoning me to come over. That was a little more bold then I expected.
I strutted over, my boots clicked against the hard floor giving me a weird confidence. I stopped at the table and tapped my pen to the notepad I held.
“Hey.” My own voice surprised me, Neer blinked up at him, hazel eyes wide and shining. I cleared my throat.
Focus, he’s a customer.
“What can I get you?”
“Actually.” His voice came out slowly, like he was trying to make every word precise. “I wanted to ask you a question.”
I glanced around and didn’t see my boss any were so I sat across from him.
“Ask away.” Why are you so interested in what he has to say?
“I’m entering an article about mental health to The Minds of Seattle and-”
No, no don’t you dare.
“I was wondering if-”
Don’t say it, say anything else, anything.
“I could interview you for the anorexia section.”
I slammed my fist down on the table making him jump, he leaned back as I moved forward and a surprisingly cat-like hiss came out of my mouth.
“How do you know I had anorexia?” How dare he just ask me that, how dare he think he can casually bring something like that up, how dare he.
Neer blinked at me, fear clearly in his eyes and I could see his breath quicken and when he spoke his voice rose with each word.
“After w-we met, I asked Kendal about you and she said that when you first moved in that Fox looked you up and they found out that you had anorexia so then she told me that and then I figured I should ask you for my project instead of going to the hospital and asking someone else, I know this is awkward but I was hoping that since you-you beat it that you would be more comfortable talking about it then someone who is dealing with it right now!”
His voice got higher at the end of his ramble and his large hands shook, I leaned back and felt my chest unknot. He is sincere, I had nothing to be afraid of.
I was a little ticked that Kendal told someone about it and that whoever this ‘Fox’ looked me up but I can deal with that later.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting myself relax.
I could hear my moms voice in my mind. One of the steps to letting go and moving is on, is being able to talk about it freely, being able to not think anything of it. It is your past, face it.
“Okay.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I don’t mind.”
“Thats surprising.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh! No no no! Not that I think you’re weak or anything, you’re probably not-”
“You’re hurting your case right now.”
“I-” Neer got a distorted look of anger on his face and her balled up his fists like he was going to punch me, I slid back on my seat.
“I was teasing, calm down.”
Neer sighed and looked up at him, his eyes looked old, to old for his actual age.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you didn’t do anything, I know what you mean but can we meet up later so you can interview me? My boss is glaring at me right now.”
Neer nodded energetically “Yea that would be fine.”
“I get off at 4, come back then.”
“Or I could stay.”
“Or you could stay.” I agreed and slipped out of the booth, becoming uncomfortable with Neer’s stare.
“I fucking hate you.”
Kendal’s amber eyes glanced up at me with curiosity as she fixed the wine bottles behind her.
“Again?”
“Don’t fuck around with me Cloud, I know you know about my anorexia.” I spit out the words and glared at her with pure anger and Kendal just sighed.
“Sorry, it sort of slipped out.”
“You shouldn’t be fucking looking me up anyway, who the hell do you think you are? Going through my personal business, don’t ever fucking do that again.”
“I didn’t look you up. Fox did.”
“Well whoever this ‘Fox’ is, he’s fucking dead.”
“You’ve met Fox.”
“I don’t really give a shit do I? And how can you be so calm about this! What if I looked through your private life and told everyone. I don’t enjoy being the entertainment of your little club okay? Don’t fuck with my life and I won’t fuck with yours.”
“Serena.”
“What?” I whipped around when I started to walk away. Kendal wasn’t goofy 20 year old right now, she was calm adult.
“No one cares about your past, maybe if you bothered to leave your apartment and make some friends you would see that every single person in my little ‘club’ has a problem like yours, as does Neer, so I get that you don’t want people knowing about your life but you should also know that no one is going to judge you on it either.”
“Whatever.” I snarled and turned again grabbing a tray and walking away from Kendal and the bar, not wanting to deal with anyone or hear about anything Kendal was saying.
I don’t want friends, I don’t want relationships, I especially don’t want people whom I don’t plan to ever talk to knowing about my past.
I really hate to talk or think about my teenage years.
At 4:00 P.M. Neer cotter still sat at the same booth, it was interesting to watch him. He could type wildly getting pages down in minutes and then the next second he would lean over and stare blankly at the screen, not moving a muscle.
I walked over, taking off my apron and plopping down across from him in the booth, his head perked up once he heard me sit down, a tiny smile appeared over his face but it was quickly gone.
“Ask away.” I had grabbed a soda from one of the machines in the front of the restaurant and I raised one eyebrow at him thinking: bring it.
“Well alright.” He blinked once and the nervousness seemed almost gone in him. He hunched over his computer looking at it intently then he looked back up at him. He looked determined. But I’m not sure for what.
“When did you realize you had anorexia?”
“Realize? Or when I actually started to have it.”
“Started then realized.”
“Started: around 13. Realized: around 15. I was in denial.”
He nodded his head and typed quickly then looked back up at me. “Why?”
I shrugged and propped my elbow on the table putting my head in my hand. “I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t think I could hate myself that much, but deep down I did, I just didn’t realize it yet.”
“Makes sense.” He mumbled as he typed.
I rolled my eyes but then noticed something, I watched Neer’s hands type, there were full of momentum, never missing a key or anything, they seemed almost delicate. But that was not how they looked.
Neer’s hands were big, like size of my face big, and if that wasn’t enough but they had a startling amount of bruises and cuts on them.
Does this guy fight for a living or something?
“What triggered it to happen?”
Neer’s annoyed voice snapped me out of my thinking and I glanced up at him.
Yea Serena, what triggered it to happen.
“Well.” I started, my voice shaky and I saw my hands start to tremble so I sat on them. “I guess it started out as stress. Stress from work, family, friends. Everything. It really got to me and I think one day I just skipped eating, then the next day I skipped again, and again and again. My mom would ask if I was hungry and I would lie and say I already ate. The more stress I had piled on, the more I hated myself. I couldn’t keep up with the work load, I couldn’t fulfill what I needed to get done, I was a failure.”
You’ve said to much, stop.
“It didn’t help that I had no friends, I was bullied, I don’t why even. The kids were just mean. I used to think it was there fault, I was a victim. But I wasn’t. I was just as nasty to them as they were to me, I was antisocial and rude, I put myself higher then them and for what? I still don’t know why. But once I realized it, the self hatred just intensified. I hated myself, so I wanted myself dead.”
The last sentence slipped out. I usually don’t tell people I’ve just met that I used to want to kill myself, article or not.
I was staring at my lap and listened to here the sound of Neer quietly tapping away, but it never came as I suspected. I looked up and Neer was staring at me, his eye were wide with empathy and a familiar shadow of knowing, that I didn’t understand.
“I’m sorry for making you say all that, I know you didn’t want to tell me and I’m grateful you’re letting me write about you, people need to understand more about these types of mental illnesses.”
I opened my mouth to speak but then Neer interjected.
“May I type it word for word?”
“Of course.” I nodded and winced at my own behavior, I can’t understand why I am so comfortable telling a complete stranger this.
Neer typed quickly, glancing up at me every so often but his fingers never left the keys.
“Did it hurt as fuck?”
“Eloquent.”
“Sorry, I suck with words.”
“Says the writer.”
“Speaking words.”
“Then we match, neither am I.”
He smirked, but then looked at me seriously. “Are you going to answer the question?”
“Are you going to be an asshole? Of course I’m going to answer the question, sheesh. Yes, okay, it hurt a fuck ton. I was starving myself for God’s sake of course it’s gonna fucking hurt. I mean, I was hospitalized, yes, it hurt.” I saw Neer type something, “You’re seriously typing my shitty answer?”
“I can make it sound better.”
“Ah huh. Ya know, after you’re done, I wanna read it.”
“Fine by me.”
“You said you were hospitalized, correct?”
“Yup.”
“So who caught you on it? Who found out.”
“My dad.”
“Oh.”
“What did you expect me to say?
“I don’t know, I usually don’t hear about a lot of good dad relationships.”
“Thats bullshit, my dad is really one of my best friends, I don’t have many friends, all of them are back in South Africa and all of them are crazy but no my dad, he was always there. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but she worked and she was a busy, my dad took the time.”
Neer’s hazel eyes were soft and a smile curled up at the end of his lips, he quickly looked down and typed something then looked back up, putting his elbow on the table, his chin resting on his hand.
“You talked about bullying. Did the kids look at you weirdly?”
“Oh yea, especially after I got back from the hospital. I went to a small school so word got around, I always got disgusted looks and hushed whispers. I would rather they just come out and say it to my face, but I suppose everyone would rather want that.”
“Then you could handle it simply.”
“Exactly.”
This is weird I thought as I felt an uncomfortable stirring in my stomach when Neer smiled at me I guess he’s sweet. And cute.
A slight buzzing noise came from Neer’s lap and I frowned. He whipped his phone out of his pocket and moved his thumb across the screen clicking a few things then his eyes flickered up to me apologetically “Sorry.” He said quickly and then put the phone back down. “I have to go, but I’m not finished yet so I was wondering if we could meet up again later.”
“Yes, defiantly.” Woah Serena, way to sound clingy.
He smirked. “Good, I was wondering if we could go somewhere less...crowded.”
I nodded, my heart felt like it was pumping way to fast, I had an interest in this Neer, I wanted to find out more about him, but I had no idea why. “I don’t know if you have a certain place that you would be more comfortable in-”
As much as I was interested in Neer I wasn’t to keen on being somewhere completely alone with him.
“We could sit in the dining area.”
“Oh, yea okay.” He managed a smile but still looked disappointed and I felt a familiar burn of anger inside me.
“Unless that’s not good enough for you?” My own voice surprised me, it was a little more rude then I intended.
“No, no it’s fine actually, that’s great.” Neer flashed me one more smile and then stood. “Nice seeing you again, lets say we meet up here tomorrow?”
“Can’t, working, it’s Friday. I work on Friday’s, you free Saturday?”
I stood up and held out my hand “Nice to officially meet you.”
Neer looked warily at my hand, like it was a weapon. He tentatively lifted his own hand and I tried not to feel offended by the tiny bit of disgust in his eyes. “You too.”
Yea right.
He finally touched his hand to mind and shook it, his skin was rough under mind with many callouses and scars, but they were nimble and strong from hard work I suspected.
Neer yanked his hand away and smiles politely. “See ya.” He backed away and turned, while clutching his laptop he turns and almost slammed into the door and walked out into the parking lot.
Well alright.
I turned around, walking back into the kitchen to grab my things and then went to my car. I turned toward the street, smiling at the thought of seeing Neer Cotter again.
Neer opened the door to his apartment, he looked down at his hand and smiled at it, remembering the feel of Serena’s hand against his own.
Her skin was soft.